I genuinely love being a woman. There is so much joy in the rituals of girlhood: the fun of painting my nails, getting dressed up, and playing with makeup whenever I want. But behind that beautiful exterior, the hormonal reality of womanhood is incredibly heavy, especially when you are also navigating an Anxiety disorder.

We are all familiar with the standard rhythms of PMS. We know the cravings, the sudden drops in mood, and the inevitable irritability. But when you introduce an Anxiety disorder into that mix, your entire nervous system is already heightened. For me, PMS means sudden waves of nausea, the terrifying sensation that I might faint in a humid room, and battling through insomnia so severe it overpowers medication designed to make me drowsy.

Then comes the period itself. Beyond the intense lower abdominal pain and the physical exhaustion from a sudden drop in iron, there is the silent, constant mental load. We are tracking hygiene, worried about leaks, and hyper-aware of how we feel and smell, all while showing up for work and fulfilling our daily responsibilities as if nothing is happening. Women truly do not get enough praise for carrying this invisible weight.

Now, add a sensitized, anxious mind to that physical toll. The pain is usually something we can tolerate, but it’s the hot flashes, the tension headaches, and that terrifying, spiraling feeling that you might actually be losing your mind that break you down. Every baseline Anxiety symptom is magnified. It is our most vulnerable phase, and the hormonal shift alone is often enough to trigger a full-blown panic attack.

To say being a woman is hard is a massive understatement and it makes me wonder how much heavier that hormonal shift becomes during pregnancy. Navigating an Anxiety disorder means fighting this exact battle every single month. Even with a period tracker, cycles aren’t always perfectly timed. Often, you find yourself spiraling, convinced something is terribly wrong with your body or your mind, only to realize a few days later that it was just the hormones playing their monthly trick.

But do we give up? Never. We still show up to work, care for our families, and keep our lives moving forward. Because that is simply what it means to be a woman: we are as tough as nails.

If you’re currently navigating a loud storm and need a bit more guidance, I created a small gift for you. You can download my e-book, When Your Body Feels Unsafe, which covers how to manage physical anxiety symptoms when you feel unanchored.

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To the outside world, I am a perfectionist, a daughter, a wife, and a friend. But inside, I am a person fighting an invisible battle against my own triggers. For a long time, I didn’t share what I wished people understood. I thought I just had to play the cards I was dealt and adapt in silence. But I’m baring the real me now, I’m pulling back the curtain. This is the truth about what it takes for me to simply exist in a normal world.

If you met me for the first time, you wouldn’t know I live with an Anxiety Disorder unless I told you. I’ve always said my spirit animal is a duck on a lake: graceful and gliding above the surface, while my legs are kicking furiously underneath. That is my daily reality; looking put-together and presentable on the outside, while my mind is a whirlwind of activity on the inside.

I know some might call me selfish because I am always thinking of myself. I don’t care. For the first thirty years of my life, I was selfless to a fault. Now, it’s my turn. It isn’t just about self-love, though that’s part of it. What truly drives me is fear, the fear of those crushing symptoms returning, and the terror of being sent back to square one.

From the moment I wake up until my head hits the pillow, my mind is calculating. I have to get seven to eight hours of quality sleep. I have to eat on time. If I don’t, acid reflux or low blood sugar mimics the very symptoms that trigger my panic. I have to stay hydrated. I have to cling to my morning and night routines because they are the only things that keep me grounded. I have to do all of it because if I don’t, it may have a domino effect on me.

I am not a perfect daughter. There are days when my mental health is so fragile that I cannot visit, and the guilt of that absence weighs on me. So, on the good days, I overcompensate. I pour everything into making my family feel loved because I don’t know how much time I have left with my Dad. It’s worth the exhaustion, even if it leaves me with nothing for myself.

If I’m your friend, you might only hear from me once a month, or once a week at most. It’s not a lack of love; it’s that sometimes, even sending a text feels like an insurmountable task. I avoid making plans because I hate the shame of canceling, so I often choose not to have a plan at all.

When we do go out, you might notice I’m not fully present. I’m trying to listen, I promise. But I’m also in my head, talking myself through the meal to ensure the food is safe, or secretly doing breathing exercises because I’m outside my comfort zone.

In a perfect world, I’d be the perfect wife: cooking every weekend and planning every vacation itinerary. But on bad days, I order delivery and hire help to clean the house. Then comes the guilt knowing I could do it myself, knowing I could save the money.

I am a perfectionist living inside a brain flooded with too much input. The most arduous task of my life is fighting my own mind. Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing my grip. But I am still here. I am still me. I am grateful that I still hold the reins to my own body. It is an exhausting fight, but I continue to show up for the chance to experience life as a normal person.

So, if you see me out there, please don’t take it personally if I don’t notice you right away. Don’t be offended if I lose the thread of our conversation for a second. Don’t think I don’t like you.

I just have to tend to myself first. The truth is, I am high maintenance. Not in an extravagant way, but in a “I have to be my own priority” way.

So, when I choose myself, it isn’t a rejection of you. It is a commitment to my own survival. Being high maintenance is simply the price I pay to keep my system running in a world that feels overwhelmingly loud. It is a daily, exhausting fight to remain the version of myself you see on the surface, the duck gliding gracefully across the water. But as long as I have the reins, I will keep kicking. I will keep choosing the routines, the boundaries, and the selfish moments that allow me to show up, even if it’s only once a month. Every day that I manage to eat on time, sleep well, and show up for the people I love, is a victory. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s mine. And I’m proud of the woman who works so hard to keep it all afloat. 🌸

I share this not for pity, but for understanding. We all have kicking legs under the surface of our lives that no one else sees. My anxiety has taught me that perfection is a myth, but resilience is a choice. I may never be the perfect version of the roles I play, but I am a real version of them. And in this sanctuary, that has to be enough.

If you see me out there and I seem a million miles away, just know I’m doing the work to find my way back to the harbor. Thank you for being a witness to the parts of me that aren't always easy to carry.

If you’re currently navigating a loud storm and need a bit more guidance, I created a small gift for you. You can download my e-book, When Your Body Feels Unsafe, which covers how to manage physical anxiety symptoms when you feel unanchored.

Download E-book

And if this piece resonated with you, you can subscribe so future reflections and guides find their way to your inbox.

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I used to write on a personal blog where most of my readers were people I knew in real life. I have always been open about my journey with Anxiety as I want others to feel that they aren’t navigating these waters alone.

Years ago, the wife of a former soccer teammate messaged me. She told me she was inspired by my writing and that it felt good to share her journey with someone who understood. My heart warmed so I kept my door open for her. But last year, when she checked in and learned I was still taking anxiety medication, the tone shifted.

“I already graduated from mine,” she told me. She suggested that because her journey was more recent than mine, I should have weaned off by now. She told me I just needed to persevere, to tough it out, and then I’d be okay.

This wasn’t my first encounter with this kind of shame disguised as advice. A former friend once questioned my treatment, too, telling me it wasn’t good for me. I had to remind her that her own sister took medication for her brain. Different diagnosis, perhaps, but the same biological mechanism.

The Shadow of Doubt

These conversations made me question myself. Suddenly, needing help felt like a weakness. One part of me knew the medication was a vital anchor; but the louder, shamed part wondered if they were right.

I thought back to the very first time I held that pill in my hand. I sat there for a full hour, scared, talking to myself. It was my best friend, a nurse working in Ireland, who finally calmed me. She told me that where she worked, taking anxiety medication was normal, even for children. It wasn’t a failure, it was healthcare.

Choosing the Harbor

After much reflection, I’ve realized that taking medication isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a choice to take care of yourself.

Stigma is dangerous. It causes people to avoid or stop treatment, which only prolongs their suffering. When people with Anxiety Disorders feel they have to hide their treatment, they isolate. We must remember: stopping medication without professional guidance prevents you from achieving the quality of life you deserve. These tools exist to help balance our brain chemistry when the storm is too heavy to carry alone.

Respecting the Journey

People take medication for many reasons, and no one should be shamed for it, regardless of what the diagnosis is.

On the other hand, some people choose not to take medication, and there is nothing wrong with that path either. We should celebrate their progress. However, successfully navigating your journey without medication does not give you the right to shame those who choose a different path.

A Message to My Fellow Travelers

I am currently in the process of weaning off my own medication, but I have walked every step of that long road. If a treatment helps you, it doesn’t matter how long you take it or why. The opinions of those who don’t understand your Internal Storm are not your burden to carry.

If you’ve ever been made to feel ashamed for taking the help you need: You are not weak. You are doing what is necessary to survive and thrive, and that is the bravest thing you can do. 🌸

If you’re currently navigating a loud storm and need a bit more guidance, I created a small gift for you. You can download my e-book, When Your Body Feels Unsafe, which covers how to manage physical anxiety symptoms when you feel unanchored.

Download E-book

And if this piece resonated with you, you can subscribe so future reflections and guides find their way to your inbox.

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If you met the version of me from seven years ago, you wouldn’t recognize her.

Back then, my life was a blur of weekend parties and often, weekday ones too. I played soccer, but I was an alcoholic. I drank to celebrate a win and I drank to numb a loss. My diet was whatever was fast and available: fueled by daily boba and late-night fast food. On the surface, I was young, wild, and free. I had a crowd of friends and a life that looked fun from the outside.

But then, the first panic attack happened.

Along with it came the Emergency Room visits. At the time, I didn’t have a diagnosis yet so I thought I was dying, that my body was physically failing me. That fear was so profound that I changed my entire life “cold turkey.” From that day on, I walked away from the alcohol, the caffeine, and the chaos.

Seven years later, I am sober.

I eat a mostly plant-based diet with small weekend treats. I find my stillness on a yoga mat and my strength on the trail: running weekly and tackling Spartan races.

This year marks seven years of sobriety and seven years without caffeine.

Having an Anxiety Disorder is undeniably hard. But in a strange and unexpected way, it saved me from my worst self. If I had stayed on that path, I don’t know who I would be today.

The physical transformation was only the beginning. The real work was the character development. I finally learned to love myself enough to stop hurting my body.

When I began doing that inner and outer work, the world around me shifted. I started attracting people who shared my values. In fact, I met my husband at a hiking club: a life I never would have found if I were still the same version of myself.

Anxiety forced me to build a sanctuary within myself. And once that foundation was in place, everything else began to fall into place, too. 🌷

I hope my story serves as a reminder that a diagnosis is never a life sentence. While it can feel like an ending, it is often the beginning of a necessary and beautiful transformation.

If you found this article helpful, you may also want to read When the Wave Hits: A practical protocol for surviving a Panic Attack, a step-by-step guide I wrote for navigating a panic when it happens.

And if this piece resonated with you, you can subscribe so future reflections and guides find their way to your inbox.

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P.S. Writing about mental health has become a form of therapy for me. If this article helped you in any way, your support allows me to continue writing.

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Before I begin, please bear in mind that healing isn’t one size fits all and avoid self-diagnosis. Don’t be afraid to seek help.

The first symptom that showed up which I ignored is Sleep Paralysis. To those that don’t know yet, it’s like you are awake but you can’t move then you find out that you’re just dreaming. It is harmless though. It’s just uncomfortable. Anyway, I got a lot of episodes experiencing it that it got to the point that I was scared to sleep but I never thought it’s a symptom of something. It didn’t help that I used to live alone so moving back home resolved it.

There’s a lot of other symptoms I have experienced which I will share soon in detail but the scariest one is palpitations. It’s when your heart is beating fast and you can really feel the pumping on your chest that you fear it might be a stroke. However after a few minutes, your heart rate returns to normal.

I used to live my life in fear from the moment I wake up until I sleep. Fear that I might have another panic attack or that it might be another illness. I was always checking my pulse and I didn’t leave the house especially if I don’t have a companion. I went living like this for awhile until I had enough so I made some changes.

I went to a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed and the medications really helped me. I changed my lifestyle. I ate mostly plant-based but I still treat myself on weekends. I joined a yoga class. It was hard at first because I was still adjusting with my medications but eventually, the symptoms went away one by one.

I’m always vocal about my anxiety disorder because I want others who have the same journey know that they’re not alone. Since then, a lot of people have been telling me that I inspire them which led to inspiring me back. Because of this, I had confidence to do other activities like boxing, hiking and running. I also joined Spartan races and I was so amazed with what I can do despite having a mental health disorder.

Don’t get me wrong, the symptoms are still there sometimes but rarely and that I can handle it well now. I am now able to try new food at new restaurants, enjoy out of town trips and I even had plane rides again. Overcoming my fears one step at a time made me realize that I am more resilient than I thought.

I still have a lot to share but I hope this article made you believe in your own resilience. We often underestimate ourselves and overestimate our challenges. What’s important is to extend grace to yourself because you are already doing your best. Don’t rush. Take your time and trust your own healing process.

P.S. Writing about mental health has become a form of therapy for me. If this article helped you in any way, your support allows me to continue writing.

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When I experienced my first panic attack, I didn’t even know what it was. I thought I had a physical illness. I was rushed to the hospital and I hyperventilated. I thought that was the end of me. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was happening to me because all of my laboratory results were normal. I also had all of my organs checked and had series of tests but all returned normal as well.

After my third attack and my third Emergency Room visit, my cardiologist referred me to a psychiatrist. That’s when I was diagnosed. I was prescribed of medications. I remember being paranoid and scared of the side effects of those medications. It took talking to myself in the mirror a lot of times and messaging my best friend to bring myself of taking my first dose.

Fast forward to today and I’m still on my healing journey. I’m still taking the medications but on a very lowered dosage already. There are also still times when I feel anxious but it’s very far from before.

The thing is, the brain matches incoming information to your past memories, and can process non-threatening events as threatening based on memory associations that you have made.

I realized that my Anxiety Disorder is not an enemy but an alarm to remind me of what I can change. All people get sick if we do something in excess. It just happens that I have an alarm before I get sick which is in my favor. Then I can adjust my lifestyle and my routine.

I studied every trigger I experienced and reflected on the why. But the biggest bulk of my healing came from working with my inner self.

I have a lot of best practices, learnings and coping strategies to share on my next articles because I want to help people with the same journey as mine also heal. This is my purpose.

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I have been on meds for quite awhile now and I am weaning off from them finally! I also want to reduce the stigma of having a Mental Health Disorder and of taking medications for it. I’m looking to connect with people who are also in their healing journey.

Apart from that, I am here to enjoy reading your notes and articles as well as support you especially those that have a few supporters!

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